Back in high school, I didn’t have Facebook. Nobody did. We had Xanga. In many ways, it was so much better than Facebook for us – not that Facebook is particularly beneficial to us. But Xanga was just blogging back then. It was free, it was easy, and it connected us with each other’s thoughts. Most of all, I believe it helped us develop and understand who we were.
I read through some of my old Xanga posts; I read my old thoughts on a life I have forgotten and my accounts of memories I once lived. Back then, it seemed like these blogs were a popular thing to have. We would write about our lives, our little thoughts on things, and comment on other peoples’ posts. But why was it so attractive to us? I said I believe that it helped us develop and understand who we were, but how does it do that?
Back then, blogging was attractive. As a high schooler, I wanted to express myself and I wanted to be heard, I wanted to fit in and I wanted to have attention. I don’t care how wrong I was or how spiritually young I was back then; whatever the magnitude of those things, I was a different person from who I am now. I grew. I have grown. And to some extent, I think we understood somehow that blogging could result in growth. It was, of course, thought and reflection of ourselves in a way that was shared back and forth with friends, and in my case, friends from church. And it brought community because of this; it was simply an attractive thing.
Blogging helped us develop and understand who we were. And we didn’t even know it. It may have been understood that exploring our thoughts and sharing those with others really brings this about, but it wasn’t why we did it. Mostly we had selfish reasons for blogging back then. I just read through one of my favorite posts I had written on my Xanga blog. It was written the summer before I moved to college; it was full of honesty and reflection. And now, I can picture in my mind the exact moment that inspired me to write it. It’s important to me. It makes me wonder about the way life changes. Our friendships with certain people seem to come and go. As I moved on from that summer and into college, I changed a lot. Things hurt in my life as I figured out who I was. I realized I didn’t have deep friendships with the people I was close to. And, because of that, some friendships got better and deeper, others simply were forgotten, and still some are the same. The thing is the ones that are the same feel different now, because I’m different. I can really see how much I’ve changed now that I’m looking back on my old thoughts. Everything is different now.
It makes me wonder if this chapter in my life will become like one of the previous – forgotten, even regretted. But, that’s not the only way to look at it. Even if a chapter of my life is forgotten, it’s only because the one being written now is so much better. It’s regretted so much less. I’m living so much more. And I believe the more you live in a way you won’t regret, the more you live in a way you won’t forget, the more you’re really alive.
-Zach